Wine and Crush

Weeks continue to bring a new sense of hum drum, yet my career is taking off. I'd say it was a cruel irony except I'm ok with it. I like that work is going well, and literally moving at warp speed, while my home life is at a full stop. I do get bored when I'm not going going going at work, but then I get to let my mind wander off and consider....other possibilities. There in lies the real danger. Having too much time to think and get frustrated is never a good thing.

Really, seriously? I still can't figure out why "thinking" about another life is so bad. I suppose I should be content with the life I have and be grateful, but....well....I can't seem to help it. I want adventure, passion, romance....but all there is is wine and crush tonight.

I need to pray. 

Wondering...again

So I've been wondering again...(again), on the point a certain someone. Seems the thought is not as shocking as it once was. Matter of fact I can hardly remember a time when it wasn't, at the very least, shocking! I mean, imagine knowing a person, not even really wanting to hold the person's name in your mind longer than a second for fear of constant irritation the whole rest of the day. Imagine then that that thought turns to intrigue, and then to wonder, and then...something all together different than irritation. Now that is shocking to me! Like the first sip of strong black coffee; first your nose turns up at it, then suddenly your addicted. What can you do for that kind of addiction? Especially when you're not even sure if that addiction is mutual. Nothing much you can do, I suppose, except wonder....and wait.
That's it. There is no happy ending without action, and there will be none on my part. For women were made to be wooed, and not to woo.
Really though...this is just some silliness. Nothing serious at all.

So What Else Is New....

So What Else Is New.....??  It's Summer, and Summer means that you will get, if you haven't already, that perpetual itch to go somewhere exciting (preferably topical). With all the deals out there these days, due in part to the last attempt at getting us to spend money we don't really have, it's hard to say, "no".  Living Social, Groupon, BookingBuddy...they all make it so easy don't they?! But the real question is who are you going to go with? I mean money is easier to spend, at least I think so, when you know you are going to blow your savings on a great time with someone you really like, perhaps even love and adore.

This Summer seemed to come out of nowhere, and know I find myself scrambling to plan an exciting, yet not too extravagant, vacation for myself and my honey. Taking advantage of all the deals out there and joyfully tossing my credit card number at them, seems perfectly rational because I know that what I am really doing is investing in memories. You can't really put a price on the laughs you'll share with your loved one can you? No!

So back to the question..."what else is new"? Well not much really; work, home, and family are all very much the same. However I feel like there is one special thing that is very welcomed and new, and it is the wild excitement, anticipation, and hope of creating some wonderful amazing memories this Summer!

I hope you will do the same. Have fun!!!

The Evil Plot Twist...

So in every movie, book, etc....well good ones at least, there is evil plot twist. Something has to go wrong. It's inevitable. Whether it's a love triangle, the team is failing, or the hero gets a set back....the rise to a joyful ending can't happen without first having the leading character/s go through some drama.

My favorite is and will always be the love triangle. Why? Because watching people become idiots over love is just plain amusing. I want the hero to win, and the underdog to come out on top in the last seconds of the game, but what can be more exhilarating than a guy or gal losing it for love. I mean people do some crazy, crazy things when they are smitten. They stop eating, or eat too, they stop doing their jobs well, or on time (gee don't want to have any surgeries from a heartbroken surgeon). People will risk it all when love goes awry. They fear it will pass them by and they'll end up alone.  That's the real issue isn't it? Being alone. It isn't so bad when you have the dream of love still being out there for you, but what if it's not.

You go to school, work really hard, get the perfect job, work that job for years and years till you're right where you want to be and then suddenly....a bomb goes off in your head and you start to think, "Hey, I don't want to be alone forever." You start dating just because you have this perfect time-line in your mind, you know... now that everything else has fallen into place. What you fail to realize is that love is the great crux! It is that arrow to the heart of all you hold dear, your job, your waist line,.. your sanity. Finally finding love means you'll most likely have to make certain compromises in other areas of your life. The best part is...that if the love is real and the intoxication is lasting, you won't care at all. You won't care if you lose all you worked so hard to acquire (well maybe not the waistline). And you will have gained the best thing you've ever known, or will ever experience again.

Enjoy the crazy ride called love. It is worth it!

Phoenix

Phoenix

The love or crazy idea of it,
only time I've had some fun
since it's begun, I'm undone
can't let you go

You've got secrets, I'll keep them,
won't tell a soul, pretend I don't know
whisper and I'll hear you
say nothing and I will fall

I hate this, and it's nothing
with me it's all or over
I'm undone. Can't figure it out.
With pressing words unsaid, I'm surrounded
I hate this. Hate that I miss you at all.

I wanted to be over it
the loneliness I feel keeps growing
It draws me your way,
Sometimes I wonder why

Stay mean, stay cold,
Stay the way you were always
I don't need you, just the crazy thought
I can live on that, till another

I hate this, and it's nothing
with me it's all or over
I'm undone. Can't figure it out.
With pressing words unsaid, I'm surrounded
I hate this. Hate that I miss you at all.

Don't be safe, please don't be sane
Can't stand the thought of you in a box
I've always lived there, it's not easy
Makes me bend your way

Don't ask what I wanted, I was stupid
I kept it simple, kept it calm
Safe is just a cage I've built myself
The doors wide open now

I hate this, and it's nothing
with me it's all or over
I'm undone. Can't figure it out.
With pressing words unsaid, I'm surrounded
I hate this. Hate that I miss you at all.

Just tell me, I'll follow
I'm ok now, just need a way out
I'm not the girl I used to be
a tidal wave, at the limit
a phoenix, can't you see now

Stay the same, don't change
dangerous, tender, and unmoved
I'll hate to leave you, never to pursue
loneliness is not the end
You have me

I hate this, and it's nothing
with me it's all or over
I'm undone. Can't figure it out.
With pressing words unsaid, I'm surrounded
I hate this. Hate that I miss you at all.

Back on Track....sort of

So this week was kind of whirl wind for me. Acupuncture drama Tuesday. Hair drama Wednesday. Headache Thursday. But then good news on Thursday did me some good. Found out a friend was coming to town. Someone I had wanted to see for a while.
Back to bad news....I had to work all weekend. Errggg...! Good news is I still got to spend some time with my friend and have some much needed fun.

I actually have been a bit silly and bit crazy over it. Nothing out of the blue for me.

Looking forward to more good times soon.

Two Days Of Trouble

So this past weekend was my anniversary....a very scary thing let me tell you. I went into thinking please don't let me give myself away by expressing my actual thoughts about the relationship out loud...(a little champagne can make me let my guard down). So that being said, I had certain reservations about doing anything too quite (like sitting around at home watching movies), or too social (like getting together with certain someone who makes me get all silly and giddy). It was just better to stay out and about and away from people 'he', or 'I', or 'we' know. Needless to say it worked out. I thought for sure it would be two days of trouble, but instead, I had a very nice weekend, bordering on 'the-way-things-used-to be' and I can honestly say that I wish I had a few more days like it.

Who wouldn't like early lunch, followed by new hot movie, and toped off with some Boston Legal or Jane Austen? Anyway....we'll see what happens next weekend.

All hell could break loose.

Weekend Blues

So this weekend will be very long I think, even though I'll have a few things to do. I wish I could say that I was excited about it, but as it is I'm not. Do you ever just want to say inside and drink tea and watch old movies. I think I am having some kind of weekend anxiety; my insomnia is going to be off the charts I am sure.

Interestingly enough I have a few mildly fun things to do, but inevitably I will end up with the weekend blues. The only cure for that is a glass of wine and maybe long phone conversation with an old friend or two. I'd try shopping, but I can't stand long weekend line at the mall, or the crowds, or the loud screaming kids...you get the picture. I don't think that makes me old (actually I'm still quite young), it's that just makes me better suited for luxury resorts, with no kids, and excellent service, rather than a family fun festival. Hmm... wish I could just have an adventure, some romantic adventure, like Jane Eyre, minus the creepy boarding school and mad family relations (kind uncles excluded).

So it will be a tad bit dull this weekend, however I will endeavor to enjoy the quite nothing-to-do-ness now before I do have kids, and I don't get a moments peace till they go off to college. To all the parents out there....I commend you!

Weekend (and said glass of wine) I'll see you soon.

Possibilities and Dreams

Possibilities: Ok I very have exciting news....I may be getting a new job! (scream) It is in an industry I hope to stay in for the rest of my life. I can't wait to find out if I've gotten the position. I aim to learn and move up quickly and grow in my skills so that one day not too long from now I might open my own establishment and bring to the world my dream for them to enjoy!

I had been quite down about things until recently this new possibility came my way.  It's sad that we sometimes have dreams and never pursue them. It's amazing when we do and the doors we thought would never be open to us, suddenly open and things start unfolding in amazing ways. Our dreams can become real. My dream can become real.

One day, again not too long from now, I'll wake up in the home I have always wanted, drive the car I have needed for a while now, and go open the doors to my own escape for others to come and enjoy. Dreamy.

Won't that be amazing? To wake up and all that you imagined has come to pass. I have a lot of hard work ahead of me, but what else is there to do? I've rested...a lot this past year due to injuries, and I have experienced what's it's like to be poor, and now there is new chapter opening up for me. I will embrace this change and endeavor to deserve all the blessings. I'm going to try to be happy.

I'm just so grateful for a positive change. Grateful for a new dream.

Almost Fairy Hour

I often cannot sleep....insomnia is a terrible condition, especially when one has to get up early the next day. For me the best times to sleep are from mid-night to four in the morning, and then from eight to ten or so in the morning, after which I get up and I'm fine for the rest of the day. However I do plan on taking a siesta at four in the afternoon just to see if that helps me sleep through the night. Hey, it's worth a shot. I think when I was in college, I would sleep almost normal hours, but always rose up the next morning very tired and never really caught up till the weekend.

Now that I know what my sleep condition is and how best to deal with it, I find that I actually love the early morning hours. I used to hate them, dread them even; to wake up and know that you'll be up from four to eight in the morning no matter what you do is very annoying. But I've resigned myself to doing things during those hours that would not be possible otherwise.

For example: when it rains during the night, the best time to hear it is about 4:30am. All is quite, except for the rare car or two that might pass by. There are few or no planes, no trains, no buses, and no neighbors talking loudly, or kids laughing and/or screaming outside. I love these precious quiet times. I can think more clearly and pray more boldly. There are no distractions.

At one or two in the morning if I so happen to wake up then, I think those are the interesting times as well, for it is almost fairy hour, which is about three-ish. It's probably most quite at that hour because even insomniacs like me are still asleep. Mothers are up feeding their babies then, and the fairies, I think, must enjoy seeing that special bond take place.

Ok I don't really think fairies exists, at least not in the US, but it's nice to think about anyway.

So....I will continue enjoying the pale moon, and the stars, and when the hour of four comes around I'll see what other creative things I can invent or debate myself about, worry over, or pray about. Probably all three.

Sweet dreams.

I have issues....

Being over 25 does not insure ones ability to block out certain thoughts. I thought they would just turn off like a candle light snuffed out, but I am still thinking about what I am NOT supposed to be thinking about. This is still the hardest thing I've had to try and get out of my head since I learned that ice cream came in more than two flavors (vanilla and chocolate). Anyway....what to do???

I can let the thoughts persist, act on them, or I can deny them and see where that takes me. To let them persist would lead to nowhere but trouble. Sometimes I just want trouble to take me and I want to have fun with it. I have always played on the safe side and ...sometimes I'm just bored with that.

I guess that makes me ungrateful at times, but then again...I'm only human.
Back to these thoughts of, "what if", they usually come up when I'm not challenged or I am bored with the hum drum life I've slipped into. They are not lasting, but the fact that they still come up bothers me.

It bothers me, and there is no cure for it, at least not that I've found. I hate having such a vivid imagination too. I am really good at "imagining" what it would be like if....
ya know, "IF". So I guess I just need to let it ride and just go back to my normal life, create my own entertainment, and count my many blessings.

Yeah. I guess so.

Prototype Malfunction

(a little blurb)
The first time I saw the Matrix (yes that's right I did see that one), I thought to myself. "Wow...that makes so much sense about the lack of perfection in the world". Truth is I am not sure we humans could handle it. Perfection is such a large thing to explore, so I shall keep my writings on the matter somewhat brief. I believe in God and creation and the Bible. However I also think that there is a great many things that can be learned once you have accepted the fact that you are, infact, a prototype malfunction. I mean Adam and Eve messed it up for all of us to follow, and so God's perfect plan was no longer perfect in the sense that we humans would do everything perfectly. We humans make mistakes...A Lot of mistakes, but we also learn from them and grow and change and become better for it. I think I like being a prototype malfunction, as least that way I know I can improve myself. Best part is I will be in eternity, perfectly righteous unable to make any more mistakes (No more, "what happens in Vegas" mantras), and will occupy the future eons of my life learning and exploring and working and bettering myself amongst many many friends. That's all on that. P.S. I do long for another trip to Vegas though....such felicity of entertainment & shows.

A little more rain please.

I used to think that the groundhog seeing his shadow was a bad thing, that Spring would come too soon and winter would be a distant memory before I even began to enjoy it. Now, I'm loving the extra Winter weather. I find myself happier. Perhaps it's because I know I can be happier than a gloomy day outside; a sunny one is always harder to compete with.

So I'm drinking more tea, taking longer hot showers (just to get warm), still wrapping myself up in scarfs and sweaters. It makes me giddy. I wonder what will happen when the water gets shut off, and the sun burst onto the scene, hot and unrelenting. I will probably say, "a little more rain please", or, "just one more day of rain will be fine,". It won't happen though, and it will be a long Summer before any hint of cool Fall breezes come back. Until the cruel sunshine burns through the clouds,...I'll just enjoy every chilly moment, with a Starbucks Dolce' steamer of course.

Janes Austen Knows Everything...

"Is a truth universally acknowledged, that a man in possession of good fortune, must be in want of a wife." ~Jane Austen

Oh yes he must...indeed. What else can a man want once he's conquered his chief material goal in life. I believe that Jane Austen, a true genius of human nature, understood two things very well; men and women. I know there are men out there that would argue that statement, saying that she being a woman can only claim mastery of her own sex, however when you read her novels, let's take "Pride and Prejudice" for example, one cannot help but recognize her mastery of both the sexes' thinking on all manor of topics. From money to love, from family relations to social manners, she articulates the thoughts of both men and women with an artful intelligence and blazing wit.

The thing I love most about her work is how incredibly down to earth it all seems. Jane Austen knows everything....I am perfectly convinced of that. You just have to read her work and you'll be instantly enlightened. She brings to life so many of life's most common and charming moments. She exposes what it's like to be a young person exploring life and love and heartache, and much more. She let's you see into a world where the smallest detail carried with it so much meaning; like the type of head dressing you wore, or the type of flowers received. One delicious layer of detail on top of another, and all wrapped up with a nice story, most with very happy endings, as well as several life lessons learned.

It's true that she wrote from life and people that she most likely knew or who moved about in her own social circles... funny thing is, I see so many of the same characters walking in and out of my own life. I certainly know a Mr. Darcy and Mrs. Bennett amongst my acquaintance. The fun part is I can see myself as the main character, and sometimes even a blend of several characters depending on what is going on in my life. I find it very encouraging that as they change and grow and improve, I know I can too.

Jane was a such an incredible lady, and I'm so glad she broke the social rules of her time, the ones she knew so well, and decided to write novels, bringing so many joys and trills to everyone who reads them. I can only hope I can bring something as creative and beautiful to the world before I leave it.

Why Being Happy Sucks!

"I'm happy today"....can you just hear yourself saying that? Well it's something I had to say today at one point and it annoyed me. Well once it was over anyway. Happiness is great and all, but not when you realize it. It's when you realize it that the inevitable happens....you slowly come down from the high you didn't even know that you were on, and that's when you start to get angry. Angry that you let it happen again, angry that you couldn't just enjoy it one second longer, angry that someone or something has knocked you out of your fluffy dream like state once again. Why does that ever have to happen?

For me it happens too often. Like when I'm watching a great movie, and I'm really enjoying it, I start to say, "oh this is really a good one", and then it hits me like the stomach flu....'you are/were happy, and it will be over soon'. Errrggg.....then I start counting down the minutes, and seconds until the credits will start to roll and I'll have to get up and walk out of the dark cozy theater back in the harsh light of stinging reality. Hmm...maybe I have post womb issues. I really really really HATE that I just can't stay happy. I just want to enjoy the fun more, enjoy the ride longer, and enjoy....well life a bit more, and not in seconds and minutes, or even hours, but days, months, years. Not that things won't come up from time to time, I'm not delusional, and I am a realist (maybe just too much of one). But those are not the moments in my life I want to dwell on, have linger in my mind for ninety percent of my conscience awake life.

How can I alter such persistent thinking? That's the hard question. Also the questions of what happened to me, who said something, what catastrophe caused me to leave my pink bubble permanently and then make me feel guilty for wanting to be back in it for more than 147 minutes at a time only on date night? I don't know. But right now Being Happy Sucks; again because I know it will be short lived.

I hope and pray that it changes for me. Maybe I just need to stop trying to fix everything, or rescuing people out of their own mistakes, and stop, for goodness sake, from trying to make every party I go to a success by taking over for the incompetent host/hostess, and spending the entire party working in the kitchen, putting out more punch, napkins, and forks. Maybe I just need to show up and enjoy what's there, let people fall down, and let things break. Maybe then I will be happy and not care so much. Not feel so guilty about possibly letting others or myself down. (sorry long tangent there)

Hmm, maybe it's all for want of romance. Ever notice how those in love, you know...the annoying kind that you see around Valentine's Day, that they seem to feel nothing bad going on around them? They could be in an accident and total their car, and it doesn't phase them when they are smitten. They get a splinter and they keep smiling. They lose their wallet and laugh about it. Maybe that's what I'm missing. It could hurt to find out with the right person, right?!

Happiness, I suppose, just takes a long long time reach ultimately, but just like learning how to put one's eye liner on just right....it just takes practice!

Apple Bread

 

 Today I tried out my new cast iron pot and made apple bread. Actually I started the bread making process yesterday as the dough take about 18 for the first rise. The second rise took only an hour and a half, and so was finished today at about 2:30pm. I took the liberty of altering the original recipe by adding a little cinnamon and allspice, because really....apples without at least cinnamon is boring and not worth eating. It turned out great! Cinnamon brown on the outside and pale yellow on the inside with sprinkles of spices and chunks of apples. It came out super moist. I loved it and so did my Mr. Wonderful. We decided to eat the whole loaf as it tis better to gorge on carbs one day, rather than eat it little by little risking adding to our waist lines. It's kind of like halloween candy; you're supposed to eat as much as you can in one night because your body can only retain so much in one day. If you ate some little by little until it was all gone you'd gain at least five pounds. That would be no bueno.

Anyway....it was fun and I have to thank the person who gave me the bread making book and cast iron pot. I love it, and will be making it again, once I've put on a few more pounds of muscle and right before I go on a long (like ten miles) run.

This year I've actually decided to go glutten free, so that means I'll be giving up wheat, corn, and soy (not that any human should EVER eat soy).  I will allow myself the occasional bread loaf, but under the guise of an impending extremely hard workout or long run. My ultimate goal is to lose 5 pounds of fat and gain 5 pounds of muscle or maybe ten depending on how it looks on me. I'm not trying to be a scary body builder type, just alluring, curvy, and very toned.

It's only day 2 of the new year, and so far I'm not off to a great start, but it is Sunday, so tomorrow I will hit the ground running. Hopefully it will be a literal running and not figurative.

Getting Her Best Body Tomorrow,
Leah