Why Being Happy Sucks!

"I'm happy today"....can you just hear yourself saying that? Well it's something I had to say today at one point and it annoyed me. Well once it was over anyway. Happiness is great and all, but not when you realize it. It's when you realize it that the inevitable happens....you slowly come down from the high you didn't even know that you were on, and that's when you start to get angry. Angry that you let it happen again, angry that you couldn't just enjoy it one second longer, angry that someone or something has knocked you out of your fluffy dream like state once again. Why does that ever have to happen?

For me it happens too often. Like when I'm watching a great movie, and I'm really enjoying it, I start to say, "oh this is really a good one", and then it hits me like the stomach flu....'you are/were happy, and it will be over soon'. Errrggg.....then I start counting down the minutes, and seconds until the credits will start to roll and I'll have to get up and walk out of the dark cozy theater back in the harsh light of stinging reality. Hmm...maybe I have post womb issues. I really really really HATE that I just can't stay happy. I just want to enjoy the fun more, enjoy the ride longer, and enjoy....well life a bit more, and not in seconds and minutes, or even hours, but days, months, years. Not that things won't come up from time to time, I'm not delusional, and I am a realist (maybe just too much of one). But those are not the moments in my life I want to dwell on, have linger in my mind for ninety percent of my conscience awake life.

How can I alter such persistent thinking? That's the hard question. Also the questions of what happened to me, who said something, what catastrophe caused me to leave my pink bubble permanently and then make me feel guilty for wanting to be back in it for more than 147 minutes at a time only on date night? I don't know. But right now Being Happy Sucks; again because I know it will be short lived.

I hope and pray that it changes for me. Maybe I just need to stop trying to fix everything, or rescuing people out of their own mistakes, and stop, for goodness sake, from trying to make every party I go to a success by taking over for the incompetent host/hostess, and spending the entire party working in the kitchen, putting out more punch, napkins, and forks. Maybe I just need to show up and enjoy what's there, let people fall down, and let things break. Maybe then I will be happy and not care so much. Not feel so guilty about possibly letting others or myself down. (sorry long tangent there)

Hmm, maybe it's all for want of romance. Ever notice how those in love, you know...the annoying kind that you see around Valentine's Day, that they seem to feel nothing bad going on around them? They could be in an accident and total their car, and it doesn't phase them when they are smitten. They get a splinter and they keep smiling. They lose their wallet and laugh about it. Maybe that's what I'm missing. It could hurt to find out with the right person, right?!

Happiness, I suppose, just takes a long long time reach ultimately, but just like learning how to put one's eye liner on just right....it just takes practice!

Apple Bread

 

 Today I tried out my new cast iron pot and made apple bread. Actually I started the bread making process yesterday as the dough take about 18 for the first rise. The second rise took only an hour and a half, and so was finished today at about 2:30pm. I took the liberty of altering the original recipe by adding a little cinnamon and allspice, because really....apples without at least cinnamon is boring and not worth eating. It turned out great! Cinnamon brown on the outside and pale yellow on the inside with sprinkles of spices and chunks of apples. It came out super moist. I loved it and so did my Mr. Wonderful. We decided to eat the whole loaf as it tis better to gorge on carbs one day, rather than eat it little by little risking adding to our waist lines. It's kind of like halloween candy; you're supposed to eat as much as you can in one night because your body can only retain so much in one day. If you ate some little by little until it was all gone you'd gain at least five pounds. That would be no bueno.

Anyway....it was fun and I have to thank the person who gave me the bread making book and cast iron pot. I love it, and will be making it again, once I've put on a few more pounds of muscle and right before I go on a long (like ten miles) run.

This year I've actually decided to go glutten free, so that means I'll be giving up wheat, corn, and soy (not that any human should EVER eat soy).  I will allow myself the occasional bread loaf, but under the guise of an impending extremely hard workout or long run. My ultimate goal is to lose 5 pounds of fat and gain 5 pounds of muscle or maybe ten depending on how it looks on me. I'm not trying to be a scary body builder type, just alluring, curvy, and very toned.

It's only day 2 of the new year, and so far I'm not off to a great start, but it is Sunday, so tomorrow I will hit the ground running. Hopefully it will be a literal running and not figurative.

Getting Her Best Body Tomorrow,
Leah