"I'm happy today"....can you just hear yourself saying that? Well it's something I had to say today at one point and it annoyed me. Well once it was over anyway. Happiness is great and all, but not when you realize it. It's when you realize it that the inevitable happens....you slowly come down from the high you didn't even know that you were on, and that's when you start to get angry. Angry that you let it happen again, angry that you couldn't just enjoy it one second longer, angry that someone or something has knocked you out of your fluffy dream like state once again. Why does that ever have to happen?
For me it happens too often. Like when I'm watching a great movie, and I'm really enjoying it, I start to say, "oh this is really a good one", and then it hits me like the stomach flu....'you are/were happy, and it will be over soon'. Errrggg.....then I start counting down the minutes, and seconds until the credits will start to roll and I'll have to get up and walk out of the dark cozy theater back in the harsh light of stinging reality. Hmm...maybe I have post womb issues. I really really really HATE that I just can't stay happy. I just want to enjoy the fun more, enjoy the ride longer, and enjoy....well life a bit more, and not in seconds and minutes, or even hours, but days, months, years. Not that things won't come up from time to time, I'm not delusional, and I am a realist (maybe just too much of one). But those are not the moments in my life I want to dwell on, have linger in my mind for ninety percent of my conscience awake life.
How can I alter such persistent thinking? That's the hard question. Also the questions of what happened to me, who said something, what catastrophe caused me to leave my pink bubble permanently and then make me feel guilty for wanting to be back in it for more than 147 minutes at a time only on date night? I don't know. But right now Being Happy Sucks; again because I know it will be short lived.
I hope and pray that it changes for me. Maybe I just need to stop trying to fix everything, or rescuing people out of their own mistakes, and stop, for goodness sake, from trying to make every party I go to a success by taking over for the incompetent host/hostess, and spending the entire party working in the kitchen, putting out more punch, napkins, and forks. Maybe I just need to show up and enjoy what's there, let people fall down, and let things break. Maybe then I will be happy and not care so much. Not feel so guilty about possibly letting others or myself down. (sorry long tangent there)
Hmm, maybe it's all for want of romance. Ever notice how those in love, you know...the annoying kind that you see around Valentine's Day, that they seem to feel nothing bad going on around them? They could be in an accident and total their car, and it doesn't phase them when they are smitten. They get a splinter and they keep smiling. They lose their wallet and laugh about it. Maybe that's what I'm missing. It could hurt to find out with the right person, right?!
Happiness, I suppose, just takes a long long time reach ultimately, but just like learning how to put one's eye liner on just right....it just takes practice!
